Saturday, November 21, 2009

When the Lid to the Septic Tank Went Into Orbit

I wrote this about my last colonoscopy. I got caught for another one tomorrow, so you know what I am doing right now.

About two and a half weeks ago I answered the phone and a pleasant receptionist voice said,
I said, “Yes it is.”
She continued in her pleasant receptionist voice, “This is Dr. M’s office calling to set up your appointment for your colonoscopy.”

Long pause.

Long pregnant pause.

My mind raced.
I thought Dr. C. gave me the name of a guy who does this sort of thing, just for my information only.

I thought I could call the guy up myself and make an appointment for this indignity when I was feeling strong and up for it.

I thought I could wait until I had some unusual colonic symptoms.

“Lynn? You already admitted it was you.” She said with a laugh in her voice, “You can’t get away now!”

Tee hee, indeed. Clearly, she had done this before.

“Are there any times that you would be unable to have the procedure done?” she continues

Yeah, like nev-er,

“Um, well I’ll be gone next month from the 8th until the, uh, 20th. So maybe some time after that.” I told her thinking of Southern California and how far in advance one must make appointments for this sort of thing.

“Oh I have earlier times than that! How about a week from today at 9:00AM?

“Uuuhhhhhh,” I eloquently replied.

“We’ll just get it over with!” She added helpfully.

(We, indeed!)
I spent the week in a state of dread. I told my family that I was going to get me some of those big cotton granny panties and cut an appropriately positioned hole and they could just work with that. Then my behind won’t have to be shining out there for everyone to see.

I told them I was going to write, “Does your mother know what you do for a living?” on my behind in case they made me take them off.

Rob suggested I should put an action figure in there so they’d have a surprise. He said, “But don’t get one that looks like this,” as he spread his arms in a fighting position and held an imaginary lance in one hand and bent his knees outward. Get one that doesn’t have any sharp weapons and is just standing there with his arms down. Or, I know! Get Superman flying! He continued to go through various action figures that would probably be painful. The thing about my son is, he always gets involved.

I was afraid to eat anything at all the day before. During cocktail hour, I had a delicious clear looking, but not clear tasting, concoction to drink. I begged everyone to have some of it, to help me drink it. Isn’t that what family is for? At one point during the diabolical event they glibly call, “prep” the force caused me to rise up off of the potty.
About the time the lid blew off of the septic tank, I realized there was no way I would ever do this again.

Every ten years? I don’t think so.

OK, the next morning I made it all the way to the hospital with Richard’s encouragement. (Dragging and pulling)
While lying in the side-rail-roll-y-bed, with plastic bracelets and a blood pressure cuff on one arm and a needle in the other, I commented that the last time I was in a bed like this they made me take a baby home. I was getting a little nervous about this.
Soon, they were rolling me away with Richard calling in the background, “Let me know if it’s a boy or a girl!”

Ultimately, the “Procedure” wasn’t bad at all.

I got to watch a television show about traveling through a little pink cave.
I gained some valuable information to impart to my daughter, who is an RN
(How to give anesthetic: Put some into the tube that is running into the patient’s arm. If patient says, “Ow, Ow, Ow,” put some more in.)
And due to some things called polyps, I got an invitation to return for another one in three years.
Try and catch me.


Lori E said...

Good for you. Way to buck up under the pressure. BTW what did you name the baby?

Vivienne said...

Good for you! I love that receptionist!

mbkatc230 said...

Lynn, this has got to be one of the funniest things I've ever read, bar none. I was trying to read it to DH, but was laughing/crying so hard that I just gave him the lap top. Of course, then we were both incapacitated. Thanks for the huge laugh, but seriously, glad things weren't quite as bad as you expected. Sorry, but the comment about them making you take a baby home will probably keep me up tonight laughing!! Kathy

Florida Sue said...

The prep is worse than the procedure for sure, but just in case they put a little of that amnesia medicine in the IV so that you won't remember which particular curse words you used. This made me laugh so hard, that if I had read it on the can I would have fallen in. No crap.

Pat @ Mille Fiori Favoriti said...

LOL Ths was hysterical Lynn! I've had two colonoscopies over the years -- the prep was worse than the act. The second prep time I was alone, as my husband had a business dineer. I had to sit for hours and there was nothing in range to read was so boring! Next time I'll make sure I have a thick novel to read in the bathroom when tat orange stuff kicks!

Mermaids of the Lake said...

You are hillarious! That was fun to read and something everyone can relate to, even if they have never gone through it. I have not yet, but I know I will one of these days! Thanks for sharing and making us laugh.

Diann @ The Thrifty Groove said...

Okay, so I am cruising along the list of people who linked up for sunday favorites. Hum, oh pretty decor.....lovely thrift finds......Nice Colonoscopy.....a new recipe...whoa! back up! Colonoscopy? Did I read that correctly? Nah...can't be....yup! See, this is why I love Sunday Favorites...ya just never know what your gonna read about!

Have a wonderful Sunday~!

Maggie B said...

I had the same "procedure" this summer, all I can say is I didn't find it all at amusing............that is until I read your blog today!!
Made me laugh out loud.

Chari said...

Hi Lynn...

My friend, I am sooooo sorry!!! Really!!! OMG...I know that this is serious business but Girl, you had me rolling on the floor laughing!!! From the phone call from the Drs. receptionist...right down to the granny panties!!! Ohhh my...I have tears in my eyes right now from laughing so hard! So sorry, my friend...I'm not laughing at you...but laughing with you!!! So good to see you being such a good sport about it!!! Okay...your son and his suggestions about the action figure...that's just WRONG!!! gotta love em'! Right? Hehe!

Lynn...thank you for sharing this humorous post with all us for Sunday Favorites...I loved it!!! And again...I'm so sorry! Eeekkks!!!

I also wanted to thank you for the sweet note that you left about my Autumn dining room. My friend, you just made my day with your sweet and generous compliments!!! Wished you could have seen the smile that you brought to my face while reading your comment!!! Thank you, Darlin'!!!

Have a super Sunday, my friend!
Warmest wishes,
Chari said...

Sorry you're going through a rough time today. I've also had the dreaded test, but it wasn't near as bad as I had imagined it was going to be.
Enjoy your nap tomorrow.
thanks for stopping by my blog and giving me a laugh about the shelves made out of underwear! hahaha

Janis@White Alder [Home] said...

Hi Lynn,
Thanks for checking out my blog. You asked if the handles on the dresser I re-did were the same. Yes they were....those were the best part of the piece. All I did was give them a quick wipe down to take off some grime and that was it. The white dresser may have made them look darker.......glad you like it.

Thanks again for stopping by.

♥Mimi♥ said...

Been there - done that - THREE TIMES! I must say that it never gets any more funner but what I can say is that it must be more fun than dying of cancer and that is the goal - prevent a cancer death.

So, I hope like me, you will march your little self to the hospital when they call and do what is right☺

Bunny Jean's Decor... and More! said...


Been there, done that.

Your's was much more entertaining than mine.

I can't believe that I haven't found you sooner. I am now a follower!

Talk to you soon ;)
Bunny Jean