Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Random Country Knowledge



Random things I have learned since moving to BFE, from Orange County, Southern California.

It only took me a year to learn the following:

We don’t live in California any more. Although our legal address says we live in California and our zip code starts with a nine, we simply do not live in California. They NEVER say the word “California” on TV. There are no businesses that have the word “California” in them, for example “The California Nut House,” or, “The California Hot Tub Extravaganza!” Nor is there any reference to California in any advertising, such as, “California’s lowest priced used car dealer,” or “California’s finest mattresses.” California, as the rest of the country knows it, simply does not exist up here. We are called, “The North State.”

Always.

On TV, it’s, “And now, the North State News!” And
“Here’s Weather Guy with the North State weather.”

As best I can tell, the North State starts with Chico, home of the number one party school in the USA, until they got into trouble with their hazing techniques and a few people DIED, and ends with the Oregon border.

So all you Midwestern friends of mine can just quit sending me those jokes about Southern California, Surf City, Beverly Hills, “Double Shot Lattes and Sumatra Macchiato Talls,” the Galleria, and like, totally trendy, 90210 stuff. We aren’t in California anymore, Toto.

Here’s what else I’ve learned.
The only things that keep your house from being buried in grass and weeds have four legs.

Birds are not polite and they don’t know how to share. I keep feeding them anyway.

Horse poop is not fertilizer until it sits around for a while and ferments.

One does not mow a lawn, one mows whatever is growing all over the place. “Lawn” is not a word any more.

There are actual weather reports that do not include the words “marine layer” or “coastal eddy.” There are weather reports that say something other than, “Nightandmorninglowcloudsfollowedbyhazysunshineintheafternoon.”

There is a difference between straw and hay.

It is possible to purchase a plastic container that lures flies into it and they can’t get out. More flies continue to join their dead and dying brothers and friends, until you have a plastic container full of the most disgusting, vomitous, concoction imaginable. According to the instructions, you may then pour this gradoo out and put some more flynip into the container and it will happen all over again. If this is ever assigned to me to attend to, the container and its contents, will go into the trash, and I will go purchase a new one.

Chickens don’t attack, but roosters do, (unless we just happen to have an attack rooster.)

It is not advisable to add anything to a mousetrap after you have “set” it. Not even a teensy bit of chocolate.

The worst thing on a police blotter for the whole month can be that someone made off with a Betty Boop statue from the front of a store.
Mmm. Let’s see.
Drive by shootings, / Betty Boop thief,
Drive by shootings, / Betty Boop thief,
Where shall I live?

You can let your chickens out of their coop and they won’t run away.

Some cats drool when you pet them, and some feel compelled to give love bites. All of them have talons that come out of their soft cottony paws if they feel they are losing their balance, so it is best not to let them use your relaxing propped-up legs for a walking bridge..

When there is no moon, and clouds are covering the stars, it is a brand new kind of dark. Ever been in a cave?

If you get poison oak, you should spray Aqua Net hairspray on it. I cannot vouch for this from personal experience. It’s simply some local folklore.

There can be 35 trees in a pasture and all of the cows will squeeze under the same tree, even if there are seventy-five of them. They obviously do not understand the concept of body heat

Frogs really do say, “Ribbit.”

If you leave anything unattended outside for 24 hours, spiders will take up residence in it. On this same note, if you leave something flat laying on your deck or the ground, you should kick it over with your toe before you pick it up, as a lizard (or worse) might scurry out and cause you a fright. The first few months were noisy around here.

Even though chickens are allowed to run free, they will run back to their nests to lay their eggs. I have seen them running back to the coop with one wing behind them covering their egg chute while they run as fast as their little drumsticks can carry them. (Well, perhaps I made this part up.)

You can wash a sheepskin rug (like you get at Sam’s) and it turns out fine even though it says, “dry clean only” on the back. Besides, I have personally seen sheep standing in the rain wearing their skin and wool.

Some colts want to be lap ponies. It’s best to stay on the other side of the fence until they get over this silliness.

It is possible that a person can look up from her computer and see somebody’s escaped cow, complete with horns trotting down the driveway,

There are no chores that can be accomplished on a tractor, inside the house, therefore no indoor chores will ever be completed by a man who is a first time tractor owner.

It is impolite to ask a person how many head of cattle they have. It’s just like saying, “How much money do you have?” It is perfectly fine to ask about all other sorts of animals. Well, I’m not sure about pigs. I’ll have to ask.

Once you witness a calf being branded, tagged, and castrated, you will never complain about a mammogram again. This process is considerably noisy, I might add.

There is a difference between Brown Water and Gray Water. Don’t ask.

Don’t plant until the snow has melted off of all surrounding foothills. Oh, you can ignore this advice, but a pounding rain will come and flatten your little seedlings. If you get lucky and the pounding rain does not occur, it will freeze for a few hours one night, and blacken your little seedlings. Trust me on this.

If there is a three-room-school, they will have a dinner there at the drop of a hat, and everyone will come.
Same with the volunteer fire department.
Lasagna, anyone?

Go to see more random @ http://www.theunmom.com/

17 comments:

Lori R. said...

Thanks for filling us in... just in case we move to the North State area. It sounds like many of these discoveries were by trial and error. Curious about the lap pony one? I HAVE chased cows and calves and bulls down a main highway before, on many seperate occassions. Oh and horses too... Nothing like stopping traffic!!! Then there is the one time a lady thought she would help by getting behind the herd and laying on her horn. We corraled those 2 miles later!! All in all sounds like you have found your little piece of heaven...

Cara said...

What a great list of tips!

Happy To Be/ Gl♥ria said...

Lynn I love living in Calif..I have seen ostrich's run by my window here and a mountain lion does that count ha ha!! May you have a great day my friend,,,hugs and smiles Gl♥ria

The Crazy Coxes said...

Thanks for stopping by! I love your Random and I have witnessed a few of those myself. I'll have to remember the Aqua Net one though!

Nancy @ La Chambre Rose said...

So, Lynn, I finally sat down to actually respond like a responsible blogger to all the wonderful people who have taken time to comment on my whiny blog, and became engrossed. And, then, of course, I went on to the unmom.com. I had to stop there because I was having way too much fun and other people have left comments with me being totally irresponsible, again, about visiting around. But, I do have to tell you, thank God you are responsible in commenting so that I landed here for the best part of my day. Loved the post.

Here's the thing...I can't believe you actually MOVED to the country by CHOICE! It is all so true, what you have written about the country even though I am totally on the opposite side of the USA map and probably a bit farther north. Actually, it is farther north because the TV channel here prints Northpole on its identity crawl.

This is a post not a comment, but must tell you I saw two foxes in the garden that should have been planted, but we are too lazy and traveling too much (buying that?) to tend a garden. This is about 30 or maybe 5 feet from our back door. All week when my little dogs bark, I let out blood curdling screams that comes from the depths of my rural fear and embarass myself because it's only a bird, not a fox about to attack the dogs. Of course, the scream echos through the mountains.

This is just creeping me out here big time. You are so adventurous!

Blondie's Journal said...

Lynn,

What a large amount of information about North State! I must surely be living under a rock (or in Illinois). Very interesting!

xoxo
Jane

Princess Andy said...

we used to watch coyotes come right up to our back door...didn't let the babies out alone after that until we got our fence up.

andy

p.s. your photo made me nauseous;)

Chari said...

Hi Lynn...

Girl, you have me laughing so hard that I about fell out of my chair!!! Ohhh yes...country life...but I wouldn't trade it for anything!!! Hehe!!! Thanks for putting a smile in my heart today...I loved this post!!!

Just wanted to come by to say thank you for joining in with Sunday Favorites on the 27th! Sorry I'm so late getting by but we didn't get back from our Texas vacation till last Saturday! Now I'm playing catch up but fear that I never will get totally caught up! Life sure does move fast in Blogland! Hehe!!! Again, thank you for participating in Sunday Favorites...I sure do hope that you'll join in with us again!

Warmest wishes,
Chari

Keetha Broyles said...

Oh Lynn dearest, this post was screamin' funny - - - especially the hen holding her egg up her chute with her wing part.

However, I'm not quite sure what it had to do with my trip to WI, or did you want me to be sure and notice ANOTHER post????

Vodka Mom said...

that was hysterical!


I loved it. (And I am NOT hanging anything out on my line anymore either. You've got spiders- we've got ear wigs.


yuck.

Keely said...

I think I want to live there.

I mean, they still have AQUANET?

Prim Rose Hill said...

Hi Lynn! What a hoot you are! I have experienced a few of those things living here in the Appalachian Mountains...quite a change from Va Beach for sure to me. ;)

Jenni Jiggety said...

Sounds like you live out in the wild west!

The only critters I have to worry about are the human criminals!

Pat@Back Porch Musings said...

Cute post, Lynn! Thanks so much for the list.

Housewife Savant said...

This is great.
I love, love, love your random!
Plus it's common sense we all need.
Good post!

Pat @ Mille Fiori Favoriti said...

This was hysterical to read Lynn! You are such a good writer,

....."Once you witness a calf being branded, tagged, and castrated, you will never complain about a mammogram again. This process is considerably noisy, I might add"

...and I thought living in NYC was exciting!

LOL

Beansieleigh said...

I've said it before, and I'll say it again... You're a riot, Alice! This was a great post, Lynn! I had fun reading this with my first cup of coffee this fine Friday morning! Thanks for the giggles too! Loved the one about the chicken running back to the nest!! (0;