Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Random Country Knowledge
Random things I have learned since moving to BFE, from Orange County, Southern California.
It only took me a year to learn the following:
We don’t live in California any more. Although our legal address says we live in California and our zip code starts with a nine, we simply do not live in California. They NEVER say the word “California” on TV. There are no businesses that have the word “California” in them, for example “The California Nut House,” or, “The California Hot Tub Extravaganza!” Nor is there any reference to California in any advertising, such as, “California’s lowest priced used car dealer,” or “California’s finest mattresses.” California, as the rest of the country knows it, simply does not exist up here. We are called, “The North State.”
On TV, it’s, “And now, the North State News!” And
“Here’s Weather Guy with the North State weather.”
As best I can tell, the North State starts with Chico, home of the number one party school in the USA, until they got into trouble with their hazing techniques and a few people DIED, and ends with the Oregon border.
So all you Midwestern friends of mine can just quit sending me those jokes about Southern California, Surf City, Beverly Hills, “Double Shot Lattes and Sumatra Macchiato Talls,” the Galleria, and like, totally trendy, 90210 stuff. We aren’t in California anymore, Toto.
Here’s what else I’ve learned.
The only things that keep your house from being buried in grass and weeds have four legs.
Birds are not polite and they don’t know how to share. I keep feeding them anyway.
Horse poop is not fertilizer until it sits around for a while and ferments.
One does not mow a lawn, one mows whatever is growing all over the place. “Lawn” is not a word any more.
There are actual weather reports that do not include the words “marine layer” or “coastal eddy.” There are weather reports that say something other than, “Nightandmorninglowcloudsfollowedbyhazysunshineintheafternoon.”
There is a difference between straw and hay.
It is possible to purchase a plastic container that lures flies into it and they can’t get out. More flies continue to join their dead and dying brothers and friends, until you have a plastic container full of the most disgusting, vomitous, concoction imaginable. According to the instructions, you may then pour this gradoo out and put some more flynip into the container and it will happen all over again. If this is ever assigned to me to attend to, the container and its contents, will go into the trash, and I will go purchase a new one.
Chickens don’t attack, but roosters do, (unless we just happen to have an attack rooster.)
It is not advisable to add anything to a mousetrap after you have “set” it. Not even a teensy bit of chocolate.
The worst thing on a police blotter for the whole month can be that someone made off with a Betty Boop statue from the front of a store.
Mmm. Let’s see.
Drive by shootings, / Betty Boop thief,
Drive by shootings, / Betty Boop thief,
Where shall I live?
You can let your chickens out of their coop and they won’t run away.
Some cats drool when you pet them, and some feel compelled to give love bites. All of them have talons that come out of their soft cottony paws if they feel they are losing their balance, so it is best not to let them use your relaxing propped-up legs for a walking bridge..
When there is no moon, and clouds are covering the stars, it is a brand new kind of dark. Ever been in a cave?
If you get poison oak, you should spray Aqua Net hairspray on it. I cannot vouch for this from personal experience. It’s simply some local folklore.
There can be 35 trees in a pasture and all of the cows will squeeze under the same tree, even if there are seventy-five of them. They obviously do not understand the concept of body heat
Frogs really do say, “Ribbit.”
If you leave anything unattended outside for 24 hours, spiders will take up residence in it. On this same note, if you leave something flat laying on your deck or the ground, you should kick it over with your toe before you pick it up, as a lizard (or worse) might scurry out and cause you a fright. The first few months were noisy around here.
Even though chickens are allowed to run free, they will run back to their nests to lay their eggs. I have seen them running back to the coop with one wing behind them covering their egg chute while they run as fast as their little drumsticks can carry them. (Well, perhaps I made this part up.)
You can wash a sheepskin rug (like you get at Sam’s) and it turns out fine even though it says, “dry clean only” on the back. Besides, I have personally seen sheep standing in the rain wearing their skin and wool.
Some colts want to be lap ponies. It’s best to stay on the other side of the fence until they get over this silliness.
It is possible that a person can look up from her computer and see somebody’s escaped cow, complete with horns trotting down the driveway,
There are no chores that can be accomplished on a tractor, inside the house, therefore no indoor chores will ever be completed by a man who is a first time tractor owner.
It is impolite to ask a person how many head of cattle they have. It’s just like saying, “How much money do you have?” It is perfectly fine to ask about all other sorts of animals. Well, I’m not sure about pigs. I’ll have to ask.
Once you witness a calf being branded, tagged, and castrated, you will never complain about a mammogram again. This process is considerably noisy, I might add.
There is a difference between Brown Water and Gray Water. Don’t ask.
Don’t plant until the snow has melted off of all surrounding foothills. Oh, you can ignore this advice, but a pounding rain will come and flatten your little seedlings. If you get lucky and the pounding rain does not occur, it will freeze for a few hours one night, and blacken your little seedlings. Trust me on this.
If there is a three-room-school, they will have a dinner there at the drop of a hat, and everyone will come.
Same with the volunteer fire department.
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