Tuesday, June 16, 2009

How To Go On A Diet

First you must admit to yourself that your closet has not developed the power to shrink items of clothing. Then you need to look at yourself in the mirror and say,
“Who in the hell is that?”
Step two, (I can do this a whole lot faster than Dr. Phil.) Give all of your goodies to a growing, fourteen year old boy if you have access to one. If you don’t, call me. I can direct you to one.
Step three, put a sign on your refrigerator that says,

“Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.”

Begin your diet by fasting all day the first day. Drink lots of water to flush your fat self out. By nightfall, wonder what on earth you were thinking. Skip cocktail hour and lie down.
Follow this procedure for the next few days, continuing to question your sanity. You will probably want to add a bit of tuna, cottages cheese, and brown rice to your water diet, however, not all on the same day. I don’t care what Dr. Phil says. One must deny one’s self and suffer when on a diet. I recommend suffering loudly. It just makes you feel better to shout,
“Dear God! I am starving! Someone just SHOOT me now!”

Now that you are on your way to being svelte, you may allow yourself to go out to breakfast with people-who-aren’t-on-a-diet. You smugly order a boiled egg and a small glob of cottage cheese. The others in your party order chicken fried steak, biscuits and gravy, and omelets dripping with cheese. You feel pious. Look at that gooey stuff piled on their plates! Don’t they know what they are doing to their arteries?
The biscuits and gravy look pretty good, though. You have been so good lately. You have a bite to reward yourself. Just a bite. You consider the event a success, because, as Dr Phil says, it’s portion control that is important.
After a few days, your sister comes to visit, bringing along a pecan pie. All of the fatsos in your family have a piece. You must absolutely not have any, as this would be the end of your diet and you know it. You watch them stuffing their fat faces with the pie. They are disgusting. You are just SO much better than they are.
The next morning you notice that what is left of the pie is still sitting on the cabinet. Someone has cut it crooked! You’d better even it up so it will look better. You cut off the crooked part and pop it into your mouth. You can’t just have a messy, uneven pie sitting around on your counter. What will people think?
Later, everyone decides to go out to lunch, claiming there is nothing to eat in your house. You order only a half order of the Chinese chicken salad, which you happen to know from experience, is huge. You still feel pretty good, however, because it is only a half of a salad, for Pete’s sake! Ordering a half order is called practicing “Portion Control.”
Go ahead, let these people, who keep trying to sabotage your diet, haul your behind to the movie. They get three containers of buttered popcorn that are the size of New Jersey. Let them try to tempt you. Of course, a couple of kernels won’t hurt. Popcorn is on many weight loss plans.
When all of the popcorn is gone, you condescendingly realize the others are just out of control and should surely join you on your diet, as you only had a small amount of it.
Later when you get home, you find that there is a hot blackberry cobbler sitting on the stove. Everyone digs in. That does it. You’ll just have a small piece. Hey, It’s fruit, right? Fruit is good for you. And since milk is good for you, too, you’ll just have some ice cream on it. You can’t have warm blackberry cobbler without vanilla ice cream on it. Oh, it’s delicious. That husband sure knows how to cook.
Uh, oh. Your cobbler is gone and you still have ice cream. You’ll just have to get some more berries to make it come out even.
Uh oh, your ice cream is gone and you still have cobbler. You must make it come out even. More ice cream. Portion control is a completely different skill when coupled with equality control. Perhaps Dr. Phil needs to address this dilemma in his book.
When you have finished eating, just go over to the sign on your refrigerator about nothing tasting as good as being thin feels, and add, “Except biscuits and gravy and blackberry pie.”


Lizzi said...

So true! And you can add chocolate frosting.

Blondie's Journal said...

Even out the pie? You HAVE to. When eating ice cream right out of the container, you have to make sure that is completely level and smooth on top for appearances sake.

LOL funny post!!


drollgirl said...

oh god. i need to be on a diet. and wouldn't you know, the boyfriend is making BISCUITS AND GRAVY FOR DINNER TONIGHT!?!?!??! HA! no joke!

Keetha Broyles said...

At my age and stage in life I have made an Earth Shattering decision.

I'd rather enjoy life and EAT than be thin.

I'll try to show a tad of wisdom and restraint - - - but until hubby tells me it matters to him, I'm going to accept my middle-aged self and LIKE it.


Florida Sue said...

Oh Lynne this is just so darn funny. I have done the same thing so many times. I dieted and deprived myself so much when I was younger. If I have a few extra pounds and it is not impacting my health, then I say "Dig In." I'm with Keetha.

Lori R. said...

The funny thing is, we, yes, all of us, can relate to this exact thing. So we are all in this boat together. Good job with restraining from the whole salad and all the popcorn you would have eaten, had you not been on a diet! Good Luck,,, We are pullin' for ya, now pass the warm pie and ice cream please!

Happy To Be/ Gl♥ria said...

Lynn thanks for coming by my Dear friend..Now go customize on your dashboard find the comment one ...it will ask you if you want peeps to use a word to verify to leave a comment just check it NO hit save and thats it...very easy to do...I hate using those word thingys But I will for my friends ha ha!! May you have a great week my friend...Hugs and smiles...Now my email addy is on my profile if you need anything please feel free to email and I'll try and help you Thanks...Love, Gl♥ria

Happy To Be/ Gl♥ria said...

Oh girl I forgot to tell you when you get to customiize go to setting and comments will up there duh!!!

Frippery said...

Your music is speaking to me. It is telling me "You used to be thin, now give the young girls a chance." Har har let me stop laughing a minute. At this point in life I do try to watch it but lets face it I am not 20. BTW I got rid of word verification, it is one thing that is lighter in my life.

sepiadreams said...

Ok tell me who made Dr Phil an expert on dieting and will? I don't ever watch him and don't care to. What is it with these experts that tell you what and how to eat and then they are giant bonzos themselves-give me a break!!! Hugzz..Tiina...

Housewife Savant said...

I have mastered this diet.
Now I feel good about myself.
My reward? a Big,Yummy Diet Breakfast, of course.

Lynn said...

So true Lynn, I am going through the same dilema, and all my summer clothes that fit me last year, well let's just say, are a few inches smaller, or did I get bigger? I don't even eat large portions of food, don't eat any junk food, but I like a glass of wine or two and I know that's a no no. Still, I can't take all pleasures away, I gave up chocolate and chips a long long time ago, imagine how big I would be if I still ate them? WAHHH!!!!!!
I want my regular hormones back, please :)

Pat @ Mille Fiori Favoriti said...

Oh boy do I have to put myself of a diet thsi summer....I once lost a lot on the South Beach diet but gained it all back when we went on a cruise.

Why does middle age plus end up on the stomach and hips?